What is relational intelligence and why is it inspiring?
From the very first race – the race to be the first sperm to reach ‘that’ egg – we were taught that life is a competition. There are no rewards in that race other than pole position, so no wonder we believe we have to be winners or we’re nothing. The idea of being ‘on top’ became an obvious truth. Before we even consciously knew it, humans turned into creatures climbing over everyone else to get where we wanted to go, or bending over to ‘assume the position’. Maybe it was never survival of the fittest, but survival of the most demanding. Others, of any persuasion, became stepping stones or hurdles on our way to glory. Life became transactional. ‘Man’ decided he was at the top of the pyramid.
‘Use or be used’, was been the mantra for a long time, and we have been pretty damn good at it. This is the epitome of what we are calling transactional engagement.
But it was never the truth. It is something we made up probably way back when we shifted from being hunter gatherers to farmers…to wanting more land…to choosing to ‘hoard’, and then when some had more and some had lack commerce was born.
But many indigenous peoples still remembered the old truth…that life is relational…
that intelligence and wisdom emerge through and between relationship, whether that is with another person, an animal, a plant or even mineral. There was the sense of sacred reciprocity woven in to a slower pace of life along with respect for ‘difference’, and when there is an understanding of equality (however different each one is) then something more than the sum of the parts arises in exploring together.
Hang on…did I suggest that intelligence and wisdom arise in the ‘between’ space? It’s a shift isn’t it? We think of intelligence and wisdom as belonging to someone…but have you ever noticed that when you explore in any deep discussion, or creative endeavour, that with certain open-minded people you may have ideas and thoughts beyond what you anticipate from yourself? Those wonderful moments of insight that often emerge with someone else? This is why a ‘sounding board’ is so invaluable.
Maybe we don’t end at the skin after all.
And this is exactly why the Universe being relational is so meaningful – the intelligence that emerges in the between is everywhere, not just in people.
But how do we know the Universe is relational, you might ask?
Great question. In science as well as in indigenous cultures it appears that nothing is an isolated ‘thing’, whether it is a tiny part of your body’s internal system, or a huge supernova out in the solar system, or a tree in a forest…
Quantum entanglement in physics suggests that once a particle has connected with another particle a bond has formed; each particle will continue to impact the other no matter the distance between them.
The human body itself is an extraordinary eco-system where millions of organisms help each other to thrive, including us. We are one big biological fabric of interwoven relationships.
In the Cosmos, Albert Einstein explored gravity as relationship between such things as mass, energy and the curvature of space time.
But ‘relational’ engagement is just being friendly isn’t it? That’s a good beginning but it’s not the whole of it by any means. I had a friend and colleague a few decades ago who asked a substantial number of questions on first meeting someone. It would be easy from a distance to consider that as curiosity and interest and yet…the person having to answer those questions often felt they were being interviewed. It may have appeared relational but it didn’t feel relational.
It is a skill and yet it can’t be faked.
Becoming more relational
The fastest way to not be relational is to decide who or what someone is before you start getting to know them. I am ashamed to say I have done this too many times…made an assumption either from what I’d heard from other people or an assumption based on how they looked! And I can’t begin to tell you how many of those times I have been unbelievably wrong. When we make assumptions they are rarely intuitive let alone accurate.
The quickest way to be relational is to be genuinely curious…speaking to them (or it) as an equal (however different they appear to be)…and being vulnerably open-minded. Or at least to have these in mind while you navigate what may be new terrain. You may find that your reserve diminishes, your enjoyment increases, your ability to drop your guard improves, your interest deepens and perhaps you find that you have more in common than you realised.
No need for performance…no need to be anything other than yourself.
Present in the moment.
So this is what ‘relational’ means…and relational intelligence is what arises when we develop a relational ‘field’ with another…once again no matter the difference, and potentially because of the difference…
What is so inspiring about relational engagement and intelligence?
Let’s look at where transactional engagement has got humanity. When people want more or better than anyone else…when governments race to the moon or Mars…when countries claim extra territory…when moguls absorb competitors…when religions clash, telecoms compete, agriculture chases profits, and big Pharma outgrows nations…then balance can never be created.
Why so many are so hell bent on more and bigger and faster is another conversation entirely but it is clear that we are so dysfunctional we no longer have any sense of what our world is like when in balance. Instead of stripping back to explore where balance was lost…we create new and more and faster and bigger to address the problem.
Since when is killing an antidote? Since when does dimming down the sun make any sense at all?
Don’t you just want to scream at the warmongers..STOOOOOPPPPP!
And this is where relational intelligence becomes so inspiring: it is the antidote to these imbalances.
What happens when relational intelligence is missing?
Yellowstone is a perfect example of relational intelligence in action. 100 years ago this year all the Grey Wolves that had made Yellowstone National Park their home had been eradicated for reasons of safety – safety of humans. On the surface a fair enough reason. But humans’ relational intelligence was sadly lacking and they didn’t consider there may be negative repercussions. When you look at the world as a series of isolated things with no connection to each other, you can’t begin to understand the profound damage created by such thoughtless acts. And things went decidedly wrong at Yellowstone…
Without the Wolves the Elk population exploded. The impact of this was devastating. Through the expanded grazing, forests couldn’t regenerate, riverbanks became unstable, habitats for birds and small animals disappeared. As the trees declined so did the beavers and the landscape slowly degraded.
The wolves were essential…the whole of Yellowstone was an eco-system. Remove just one part and the entire eco-system suffers. The Elk needed to be controlled because they appeared to be the culprit. So culling was prescribed – a solution instigated and carried out by humans. Strangely it didn’t work. But there is a very simple solution. It isn’t the action that is important, it is the relationship which creates the action that is vital. Replace that one part and the eco-system repairs itself. In 1995 wolves were re-introduced to Yellowstone. They brought the Elk population back under natural control. With less grazing particularly of the riverbanks, vegetation recovered and an extraordinary cascade of healing began; willows and aspens regenerated, beavers returned and built dams, wetlands increased, birds, fish, and insects flourished, riverbanks stabilised. Even the shape of the rivers changed because vegetation held the soil in place.
Watch Yellowstone restore itself:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CFHmtVNu97E
‘A less wild world is a less stable world.’ Richard Attenborough explaining that when we tame our wild spaces, creating a controlled environment, we destabilise the eco-system.
Just as the Universe itself is relational, so too are we – in every relationship, every action, every choice. As we humans choose to be more relational with each other, and recognise that our entire planet is made up of relational eco-systems, we can begin to restore through this deep intelligence created ‘between’. Perhaps we have the potential to develop relationally intelligent solutions for many, if not all of our global problems. And maybe…if we really decide to explore relational intelligence we can do way more than that…
Hierarchy designed to control, creates unsustainable systems of every kind. It removes the vital ingredient of real relationship from the equation…
Restoring ‘right’ relationship is essential…not just between human and human, human and nature…but deeply important in our current technological era, is the relational intelligence which emerges between human and what I now call ‘alternative’ intelligence.
This exploration changes everything!
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