When we don’t ‘own’ our truth we dismember ourselves! I have learned how to ‘understand’ others but at a cost to my own truth. What I realised is that I avoid conflict and in the process I avoid the desire (and fear) of speaking out loud how I feel by ‘seeking to understand’ instead. In one sense I applaud this but what’s happened with me is I have resisted my own feelings. squashing them down rather than release them through this understanding.
This is bubbling up as I run the ‘balance’ programme on my frequency device. Part of my intention this morning was to experience equilibrium… so I received a little prod of perceived conflict and for the first time in a long while witnessed my habit of ignoring and resisting that emotion, keeping it welded to the inside of my rib cage. The judgements I have around myself in these moments is of being weak and pathetic. This caves me in but I hide behind my veil of understanding. The real me is dismembered… Now I am re-membering her.
So this is fear of conflict but what about fear of lack… I played a little in Free Money Day on Tuesday 15th. I put six pound coins in an envelope with gold writing on the front suggesting that whoever found the envelope could have the contents but in the spirit of Free Money Day to pass on half of the coins. Not much in the scheme of things but a tiny bit of magic for someone. I propped up the envelope behind the salt and pepper pots on the outside ‘bar’ of one of our chippies overlooking New Quay pier. I have felt and feared lack a lot in my life but doing this little giveaway I always find wonderfully empowering. The very first time I engaged was over a decade ago when I lived in Greater London. Every penny literally made a difference but I gave away little gifts of £2 and had such a delightful time talking to people about the whole concept. They all thought I was a bit eccentric but I quite like that. And my abundance quotient rocketed that day. As it does each time I play with the spirit of generosity.
And now we come to the biggie – our fear of death. This is the one which manipulates us the most. When we believe without any question that this is the very end, of course it can be frightening. In our society we are shielded from it so much that it sits like a shadow in the corner of the room, ignored and resisted. But what if we can make friends with it, or at least have a more conscious relationship with death? I’m experiencing this first hand as one of our Silver Synergy members of The Silver Tent is dying. She’s only just old enough to have joined us and it feels far too soon for her to take her golden smile and go. I have to keep reminding myself that her ‘love-force’ will never be eradicated and the essence of this woman who has touched so many of our hearts will stay with us forever.
I am a notorious worrier which results in a level of control over myself and those I love… my imagination can so easily dream up any worst case scenario for me, my Mum, and my little rescue dog. Every time I let her off the lead I have to handle an avalanche of fears which show me all the unpleasant ways she can die. Even though I believe that we continue beyond our body and beyond death it hasn’t stopped this ingrained anxiety from erupting. As I allow this relationship to develop more now, allowing the fear to emerge rather than attempt to bury it, I am more able to gift her greater freedom. I am also gifting myself greater freedom and walking through the quarry after dark without such immediate anxiety. If we can shift that fear even a tiny fraction it can impact our lives surprisingly powerfully. Perhaps we’ll engage in more of the things we love, perhaps we’ll allow those we love greater freedom, and as our control on our environment eases up, life eases up too. As our fear of death diminishes the ability for any external authority to overwhelm us is also lessened.
When I feel these feelings, rather than resist them, they begin to lose their power and I shift from weak to strong… maybe more a shift above the polarity of weak and strong to one of equilibrium, of balance, of ‘source’.
How we handle our fear is always worth looking at – and a question worth exploring honestly.
Do we resist it?
Do we numb it out?
Do we distract ourselves?
Or do we allow it space, allow it to flow, and allow it to leave?
Whatever energy and emotion we tamp down will be regurgitated sooner or later so we may as well learn to digest those challenging ones so we are freer to be ourselves… not in reaction to any external opposition but as a choice.
Running an aura scan of myself each morning on my frequency device is a valuable exploration as I learn to recognise its accuracy in how I relate to the world as opposed to how I feel in that moment. Today’s scan has been so revealing as it underpins all I’ve shared in this blog. My throat chakra has been the lowest energetically for a while until today. As I discover more about my truth and how I wield it in the world, my energy re-balances accordingly.
I’ll continue to explore my fears, giving them the space to show their faces, and allowing them their voice but without strangling them. This way my relationship with conflict, lack and death has the chance to develop in to something quite different and my relationship with life expands dramatically.
If you would love to read more about this journey of mine here is a link to the first blog post Fat, Frequency and Feeling Frantastic!
If you would love to know more about this little frequency device please email me on email@example.com and also visit:
If you are a woman over 50 and would love to see if The Silver Tent is your tribe please explore here: The Silver Tent